shit

This is the 3rd edit of this post. I am trying to post a video, and it is not working. So that is all you get today, I am frustrated.

Resident

Staph among the Staff

Warning: If you want your ass blown out, keep on reading.

The Staph virus has broken out at work. Since I'm a lowly desk-jockey, I haven't been filled in on all the details. I did catch wind of this on Wednesday via a phone call from a patron whos doctor told her she had contracted it from our pool. Call me crazy, but I thought this announcement to merit an immediate relay of information to my supervisor Big Daddy D (Yes, that is what we will call him.) Big Daddy D is a cool cat. He is a fun boss to work for. The only other cool boss I've had in my short span of bullshit jobs was ironically the most credible job I have had to this point: The video coordinator for Baylor Football. We'll call him Jumbo. (We actually did call him Jumbo, look that shit up, naysayers.) I have digressed from my point. So I immediately go seek out Big Daddy D to tell him the information I have just recieved. He is on a treadmill running his daily 3 miles, which is his 2nd of 3 daily workouts. (The name Big Daddy D isn't meant to be misleading. He is a big man, but I'll be damned if he doesn't have the lungs of a Kenyan.) I proceed to recite the phone conversation to him. Never breaking stride, or a sweat for that matter, he looks at me when I'm finished and says, "...And?"

This throws me for a loop. I walk back to my desk like a dumbass. Apparently there is something I don't know. But if he's not worried about it when it's his ass on the line if it gets out of control, then I'm sure as hell not gonna lose sleep over it.

That brings me to today. I get to work early, get a little workout in, get my scrub on in the shower, and head to my desk to check my sportsbook account, facebook, myspace, and of course My very Own personal Monster. But something is different. Big Daddy D wasn't the same. He was in a mood. I can't say what kind, and I could spend 5,000 words on why. To save time, let's just say that when he's unusually happy and dishing out compliments like Oprah on mother's day, something big is brewing.

I was right. A few hours into work, I saw some people (who thought they were) dressed very business like, (who thought they were) carrying themselves very business like, and (thought that they) spoke very sophisticated rolled into the Fitness Center. One even had a briefcase.(..and though he was the shit because of this. A briefcase does not make you cool or powerful, especially not in the Butthole of East Texas. It makes you a dick.) Eventually, all gathered in Big Daddy D's office to discuss something. 2 things I noticed raised red flags for me that this was no ordinary tea party. 1) There were 6 people in the office including the Daddy himself. I have never seen more than 4 people in the office (which is very small) and even then it looked like a strange sex act was taking place. The second thing was that the door was closed, and the blinds were down in order to ensure privacy that no one would read their lips. Oh this must be good. It was then that I realized that they must be related to the school, because they had left the blinds up that was in my direct line of sight.

After the meetings, I didn't have much time to get information about what was said because I had a class to attend. I did manage to get this information out of my other manager, James. (We will call him James): "You need to make sure you are constantly sanitizing your hands as well as the counter for your sake and for the safety of our patrons. We have Staph infections being reported linked to our gym." I reply, "I know, I think I may have gotten the first call Wednesday." He looked at me like a dumbass, (yet again) and said, "yeaaa...I doubt it. Trust me." ooOooOoOoh spoooooky, right? lol

The last bit of information I gathered was the last thing I heard walking out of the building to go to class: James to Big Daddy D, "Did you get all of that?" Big Daddy D's voice responding, "I took notes." To which James replied, "Let's go."

Even though they are at the same school notorius for dumbass, unqualified employees, these two managers of mine are not in this group. They are the new breed. A monster so rare it can only be tamed by the likes of a beast-master such as myself. I know how to handle them, what to say, and most importantly, how to interperet the riddles of their intercommunication with one another. Knowing all of this now, just understand that I do not feel safe at work anymore. Yes, me, the perenial cynic, is officially scared of Staph infection. At least for the weekend.

Sorry to leave all 2 of you wonderful fans of the blog on the edge of your seat, possibly googling for a Staph Infection Repellent, but your not alone. The Beast-master is here with you in this state of hightened awareness, as our goverment so eliquently puts it. (Enter slow jerk here)

I will not be posting Saturday, for I will be hungover studying for a midterm and watching college football. I also will not be posting Sunday, for I will be hungover, watching pro football, and taking a midterm. BUT, on MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2007, I will be serving up a post like no other. I feel, my fuckers, that were are far enough into this Monster to stop and play a little catch up. I will update the Staph infection information (naturally), and then the remainder of the post will be sort of a catch-up and background. I noticed that I have left alot of mental stones unturned, yet at the same time I have dropped alot of new charachters into the mix. Hang with me, for on MONDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2007, we will be ready to set sail into the infinite abyss. Join me?

Tip your waitresses,

Resident, out.

Steve Colbwin

Stephen Colbert is to politics what Steve Irwin was to wildlife.



You flip on the tube. Let's say you see meerkat manor. If your not one of the x amount of absolute tools who watch this show, then 1) your subconsious probably makes a comment between neurons about how gay a meerkat is (However duely noting that Meerkat is one hella-cool word) and 2)Proceeds to filter to your waking consious which immediately turns the channel. What made Steve Irwin so different? Why was it fun to watch compared to immitators since his death? Why? I'll tell you why.



1) Viral Approach to Wildlife

One of my favorite stand-up comedians, Gabriel Iglesias, probably put it best:



He said that he gets upset when people on television talk about him now saying "oh it's such a loss for the nature community...he did so much for the nature community." No he didn't. He didn't help nature.. the guy was crazy. He was like..."Hey, look right there. It's a rare silverback gorilla.. and a beaut too! It's got the most powerful grasp of any primate, one sudden move and I'm dead!...... I'm gonna go poke him with a stick!"



2) Charisma out the Wahzoo

Steve Irwin was a cool dude. Period. Plus, just in case you thought he was a douche for messing with animals 24/7, he had a chick with him. Granted, she wasn't the hottest, but when your wading neck deep through a hippo watering pond in the middle of Earth's most forgotten continent... I'm just saying, at least he had a wife and wasn't humping a zebra. He had this passion for life, and everyone he encountered in some way took that with them when they departed. We should all be so lucky to live every day of our lives like Mr. Irwin did.



3) F*ck number 3

I'm not here to talk about Steve Irwin.



I'm here to talk about the similarities of him and Steven Colbert.

If you live on Mars, here's the news flash. Tuesday, Steven Colbert officially announced on his show that he would be RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Don't bring up Google. I've already done the leg-work. Sit back and enjoy.

I know you have questions as to the validity of this, and so did I. Here's what I have found:



1) Is Steven Colbert really running for President?

-yes, but only in the South Carolina Primary



2) Why only in South Carolina?

-He is from South Carolina. Also, I believe this is an essential part of a much larger plan.

3)What Party will Colbert run under?

-Republicrat

This is what is sending political correspondants to the looney bin right now. Steven Colbert has found.. well not really a loophole, more like "a way to piss alot of people off, and entertain even more" Technically, You may run in a primary as both a Democrat AND a Republican. Has it been done? No. The catch is that it's pricey to do. Apparently, you have to pay a fee to get on the ballot... It's not one set fee though which suprised me. To run as a Democrat in SC the fee is $2,500. The fee to get on the Republican ballot however is $35,000. A little Ironic...don't ya think?


In the words of Dr. Phil Pickle, "Let's get real"... Colbert isn't going to win the presidency, He's only running the primary's in one state. It's a mathematical improbability. Colbert is making a statement. This is viral marketing at it's best. Colbert wins, we win, America wins.


It's gonna be an entertaining thing to watch. Keep posted.

My Work Day

5:13 - I arrive to work late from Tyler, probably smelling of ciggarettes and cologne. I'm sleepy.

6:31 - I have just now woken up. My brain is still not on a functioning level right now. I can't really blog my most thought provoking ideas. To be continued...

7:46- I am now ready to begin my day. I love this job. I only really zoned out for a couple and a half hours, but I did manange to recover a couple thoughts.

I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 8-11am. Tuesdays and Thursdays (and some MWF's) I work 5-11am. Naturally, you would assume I like MWF best, however this is not the case. My favorite days go in order:

Sunday, Saturday, Payday, Tuesday, Friday, Monday, Thursday, Wednesday.

Some good things about being at work in a Gym at 5am? Well how about the regular customers. I love seeing people I know and see everyday. Another good thing is that for some reason the ladies teets tend to nip more in the early hours... I think it has something to do with the moon.

Finally, I love Tuesdays and Thursdays most of all because of TEG. TEG is an acronym for Tasty Eliptical Girl. Every Tuesday and Thursday at 7:45 this smoking hot, yet down to earth girl comes in to start working out for her Body Mechanics blowoff class. We small talk everytime, but some days more so than others. You know how theres always that person who you are immediately attracted to, not only on a physical basis but just the auora around them? This is her. I've actually NEVER ASKED HER NAME....which is Ironic because I've wanted to marry this girl from the first moment I saw her.

Today is the day. I will ask of her name. Hopefully I can spit a little bit of game too, maybe pull a number. Gotta take baby steps though. I will build confidence by asking small yes/no questions... Do you have a name? Do you like having a name? Do you believe in planets?

I'll work on it. I'm gonna read the Time.

7:59 - So TEG just left to go get some food. My kind of girl, going to get some McDonald's during her Body Mechanics fitness class. She was with a friend though, hard to spit game with a game-killer directly in my radar. It didn't go well though... something like this:

TEG-"Hey if coach asks if I'm here tell him I went to go get some McDonalds."

ME-"What? Ok." (Even though I don't really know your name...ask her name, it's a perfect oppur..)

TEG-"Wait... where are all the powerades?"(referring to the empty display)

ME- "I drank them all."

TEG-"What? What a fat ass!"

ME- "Yah, sorry about that."

TEG-"Did you really drink all of them?"

ME-"Yeah. I was thirsty."

Jesus Cristo what is wrong with me.

8:10 - What the fuck is catafalques?

9:31 - Catafalques is the framework that coffins rest on at funerals. Now that our collective minds are at ease, let's get back to my mission of actually growing stones enough to ask out TEG.

About an hour ago I was called in to the Chief of Campus police's office, which I think is equivalent to a peon deputy at a small town precinct. I had to I.D. a suspect in a theft up at work yesterday, and I got her. You can run, but you can't hide bad guys. The Resident is on the job.

This did however screw my plans with TEG. Her class ended before I got back from my crime-solving adventure. I talked to my Nigerian friend Victor Oslov about it, and he told me I needed to make a move. I agree, however I...well I just agree. I have to quit making excuses. I can't let my investigatory instincts lead me away from my priorities. I must get laid. Period.

9:44 - I answer a call from a lady inquiring about prices for memberships. She was the kind of customer that makes my day. Cheery mood, good humor, and quick witted. We talked about nothing for approximately 6 minutes and 15 seconds according to the phone timer.

"Like I said I used to be a life-guard... do y'all have any requirements as far as use of the pool goes?"...."You have to be able to swim." - excerpt from above mentioned phone conversation

10:06 - The countdown begins. 54 minutes... 53 now. The workday is winding down. I usually don't have any thought-provoking ideas inbetween 10:00 and 11:00. I do notice that around 10:30 I abandon all websites such as Facebook, Myspace (Through a ProxyBypass), FantasyFootball, FantasyFootball2, Google, and AOL. I tend to actually pace around anxiously awaiting my departure around 10:50 on Tuesdays and Thursdays for I have no classes afterwards.

I do have to go back to Tyler for the night though. Apparently when you wake up late for work in someone else's house there are tendencies of forgetting vital things such as cell phones and hats.

10:12 - I'm going to call it a blog-day. I like to think of my work as The Office, and I found that today it helps move the hours along.

"It's said that you can't mix business with pleasure. Really? Well then explain to me how a Putt-Putt Golf operates!"

Boredom Breeds Genius

This time last year I would have never thought I would be starting my own blog. But thanks to a good friend who has truly inspired me, I thought to give it a shot. No more monkeys and bananas here. Well, maybe in the future, but to now there are bigger and better things to speak on.

Dr. Maya Angelou

Last night I watched the documentary series ICONOCLASTS, featuring comedian Dave Chappelle and Poet Dr. Maya Angelou.



I was flipping through the channels, probably to find my regualar programming of either one of the ESPN's, Comedy Central, TBS, or if I'm really desperate MTV. ( on a side-note, It's really sad what has become the perversion of MTV) Anyways, the Chappelle mention caught my eye, and I had heard of Maya Angelou before, but I knew nothing of her. The more I watched, I was taken aback by the stories and life of Dr. Angelou. I payed more attention to her than to Dave Chappelle. As a matter of fact, Dave Chappelle payed more attention to her than to anything else. When you see a Pop-culture Icon such as Chappelle basically thirsting for knowledge and actually almost brought to tears at one point.



My favorite story she told (This is saying much, for she told stories of what it was like living and teaching in West Africa for 5 years, Her friendship with MLK Jr., and Malcom X, Presidential Inagural Adress Poem readings) was the story of her Cameo Apperance in the Film "Poetic Justice". Dr. Angelou described how she, on set in California, walked upon a couple of young men at each other's throats arguing. She asked to talk to the protagonist of the argument, and wouldn't back down to his near-threats. Her word's ended up bringing him near tears (watch the documentary if you want to know the whole story) Anyways, Janet Jackson, seeing what happens, runs up to her and says:



"I can't believe you got through to him... how did you talk to him? How did you get Tupak Shakur to listen?"



God bless old people.